Pause: The good king of tension

​It was good to see you.

But it was frightening to know that the sexual energy, attraction is still there as it was many years ago.

You were a forbidden fruit that I got a taste and am glad that I did. But it was for a split second. And if I think only of that split second the pleasure is addicting and I want to drink from that until my body, mind and soul are no longer available to retain one drop. And I know that it will for hours before we come to that.

The smile on your face that I suspect it was there even before I saw you. The electricity that was between was us even before we touched and the hug that spoke a thousand words without any being said.

You claimed on those streets like no one has claimed on the same streets and they had a “tittle” recognized by society. You displayed me as yours, as taken. The stranger part is, I didn’t mind. I felt special, I felt wanted, I felt desired.

Desired by the way that only you can. That only you could bring in myself on a time like this.

When we parted I left with electricity running through my veins and taste of what could have been on my tong.

Pause: Villain…

​I’m the villain in your story and that’s ok.

That’s ok because I know I’m not the good person in a lot of peoples story and I’m ok with it too.

I don’t need to be the good person in our story. I know as sure as hell that I had my part in it.

And I’m ok with that.

I’m so ok because life and time has thought me that. 

I will not vilify you no more. I will not put the blame interely on your shoulders. I have forgiven you and myself for all the hurt that we caused each other that put a cloud on all the good that we have lived.

I’m not saying that I will greet you if I pass by you on the street or congratulate you for your new family. That’s not me. You know it, I know it and the people that know me know this.

I can tell you that from my inner self I wish you and your family all the good and health that life has to gift you.

So with peace in my heart I release you from all the bad, all the trauma and all the hurt.

Pausa: Amor - pensamentos de uma madrugada de verão

​Amor

O que é o amor?

O que é amar o próximo?

Como é encontrar um amor?

Vejo filmes, leio livros, oiço música. 

Mas não sei o que é o amor.

Ainda não o vivi. Já pensei ter amado. Já pensei que sabia o que era o amor. Já pensei que senti amor.

Mas amor é um sentimento que ainda estou a descobrir.

Perguntaram-me “Você se ama?”

Respondi: Não.

Porque a verdade na altura era essa: Não.

Perguntaram-me o porquê. Eu disse que não sabia.

Mas eu sei o porquê de não me amar. 

Estou a trabalhar para mudar esse facto.

A verdade é: se eu não me amar, como poderei amar alguém? Seja uma pessoa amiga, família ou alguém que eu escolha como companheiro/companheira?

Mas o foco não é me amar para poder amar o próximo. O foco é: “eu me amar porque eu mereço me amar”!

Não quero me amar para que o meu sentimento pela outra pessoa seja válido. Eu quero me amar para que eu possa ser melhor para mim. Cuidar melhor de mim. Ser mais branda e justa comigo.

Quero me amar para que eu possa me respeitar mais. Me assumir mais. Me impor mais.

Eu me amo! Porque eu sou um ser único, eu sou eu, eu sou o suficiente para mim.

Eu me amo!

Eu me amo!

Eu me amo!

Pause: Love(d) you

​I had you. I had you so many times in so many ways that I lost count but not hope. At least I hope i haven’t lost hope. Not yet. Not so soon. Not when I’m so young.

I loved you in so many people, in so many men, in so many ways. And always on the ones that at some point, whether it was in the beginning, the middle or at the end, something inside would tell me the they were not the one.

I stand, now more reluctant since the last blow. I don’t expect much but I don’t give much as well.

Text Message

​I didn’t notice the week Passing by.

For that reason I was surprise when I saw your text asking to confirm a late diner. Don’t get me wrong. When we talked about it I was sort of excited and looking forward to it.

But the week was long, work was busy, it gave me a rush of adrenaline when I closed the never ending deal and you sort of slipped my mind.

I’m in that moment in life that I’m excited with what I do, in love with myself in a level that will be hard for another being to catch my attention.

I do enjoy our conversations and now that you reminded me of our date I’m looking forward to it.

Let’s see what the night will bring after a bootle of whine and a good meal. Will you be able to catch my attention? Will the conversation flow?

The night will tell.,,

Getting ready

I'm enjoying myself while sipping a glass of sparkling whine and you cross my mind. I smile crosses my lips and I bite the glass thinking of our last time toghether. Your smile, your wicked smile makes me crumble every time, even in my thoughts. Slowly I put my glass on the living room table and grab the the remote control. I select a song and press play. The first notes starts to play. I start to move my body to the melody. "We shoud've been..." H.E.R. She's right and wrong. All at the same time. The same questions ressonates through my brain and I dismissed it. I don't like to dwell on the past. Changing songs I pick my glass again and go check myself on the mirror and the door bell rings. I go for the door grabing my purse and coat. Leaving the glass behind me. I check myself againg. There's no need to re-do my lipstick. When I get to the door, the night's future is standing there and all my previous thoughts long forgotten and the prespective of a bright future is all I can think off. A different smile comes and the joy takes over.

Bate a saudade

Dou por mim a pensar em ti e na falta que fazes. Não falo contigo há tanto tempo e quando me apercebo disso fico desarmada. É-me difícil pensar em ti. Há tanto a acontecer que... Não consigo terminar a frase. Sinto falta do teu ar sereno, do teu olhar carinhoso e cheio de amor. Sinto a tua falta. Que me dirias agora? O que estaria a passar pela tua cabeça com a chegada desta nova vida? Como te estarias a sentir? São perguntas que ficarão sem resposta. Não terão o teu sentimento na voz. O facto de não estares presente tornou-se algo permanente e nem sempre é algo que é fácil suportar. Há momentos que te vejo no andar de alguém, numa peça de roupa, num objecto banal. Mas não tenho a tua voz, o teu calor. Fazes falta e hoje não é fácil reconhecer isso. Hoje não é fácil reconhecer que já não estás cá.